Not a good day...

Today I learned that a super close friend of mine, Haley Branton, has relapsed for the 2nd time at 13 years old. She had been 4 years out of her bone marrow transplant when they found some abnormal cells which were definitely leukemia cells. They are not sure the exact type until they do a bone marrow biopsy. I was immediately devastated and a whirlwind of emotions came over me.

SAD

...that Haley has to go through cancer again

MAD

...that cancer exists

GUILTY

...that I am currently surviving cancer

...that I am thankful for being healthy

SCARED

...that I am only 2 years out of my transplant and a relapse can happen to anyone

I am coming up on 2 years post transplant and that means I will get a bone marrow biopsy. I have not been worried about the procedure or the results because I try and stay positive (wink wink) but since I heard the news about Haley, my mind can't help but go to worst case scenario. And some PTSD comes up because the last time a close cancer friend of mine relapsed, I was diagnosed with sAML about 4 months later. So now I am scared for my future and health but then that causes me to be guilty for even thinking it when Haley is actually going through it then that makes me mad about the whole situation which leads to me being sad again. I'm stuck in the cancer emotion cycle and I don't know how to get out of it.

Im pretty sure no one reads this anymore but if anyone comes across this please keep Haley and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

- Hanna