It was exactly 3 years ago today I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. The diagnosis that flipped my world upside down. I decided to call my Mary Bridge doctor and left a message how I am doing well and that I would love to chat with him and catch up. If you remember he wasn't the one who was able to diagnose me at the time but I dearly miss him. I found some prompts that I thought would be interesting to answer, they are cancerverseries and milestone questions:
What has cancer given to you? What has cancer taken from you?
Well it has given me a newfound appreciation and love of life, cancer friendships that I will always remember, a whole another community of medical staff that I love, Daisy.
Its took graduation, being able to finish high school without being only known for my cancer, normal college experience, prom, maybe making friends at UW,
How are you different/the same from 3 years ago?
I felt free of cancer 3 years ago. I was thriving and living my best life. Was going to start college with an even fresher start than high school. Nothing was going to stop me. I was in shape and felt good. I felt unstoppable. Now every time I have a moment of exhaustion I worry it is the cancer coming back. It was only yesterday that I was nauseous and dizzy and immedietly thought "well here it is again". I love school but my body and brain will never be the same. I look at pictures and only see how different I am.
What three words would you use to describe how you feel about this anniversary/milestone? About your life right now?
Relieved, sad, wishful
Happy, scared, excited
How would you describe your relationship with your body? What changes do you still feel/see? What has your body accomplished?
Its definitely not a great relationship. I get excited when I loose weight but am not sure if it is from fat loss or muscle loss. I don't want to loose more muscle because I am already weak as I am right now. I want to feel more confident but I just don't anymore
I see the stretch marks caused by my treatment, I see the bruises, the scars. I feel weak, fat, and not in shape.
My body has beat cancer twice. My body has fought through experiences many people don't walk out of alive. My body is delicate now but is still bad ass
What makes you feel fulfilled/energized/excited? What keeps you up at night?
Daisy, socializing with friends, hanging out with my family (when its fun), cancer friends, completing tasks,
Infertility. Would things be different had Dr. Irwin seen everything sooner? Cancer reoccurrence, another secondary cancer, kidney failure, more damage to organs.
Where do you want to focus your energy on between now and next year? What do you hope that looks like?
Hopefully next year I will be focusing on moving to California to start the Child Life Masters Program at Loma Linda University. I hope I am happy and stronger then.